I never experienced this scarcity myself as they were always able to provide for us.

I always felt out of place in my house. I never expressed my feelings or thoughts, because deep down I believed I just didn’t fit in. My brother seemed to have more things figured out for himself and had a different childhood, being the center of attention for many years before I arrived.

As my great-aunt conceived and built the family business, I constantly sought her validation and approval, despite my brother being the one who would take it over in the future.

Throughout my upbringing, I felt inadequate, as I felt my family was constantly comparing me to my brother. This feeling was compounded by my belief that I was not honoring my family and that my existence was a burden as my mother didn’t plan on having me.

Coming into this world felt like a debt that could never be repaid.

I later understood that many of the standards I set myself for were never even mine.

Father’s Day was a tough one for me. I remember my classmates gathering in a circle with their dads, sitting on their laps, and showing them the handcrafts they made or putting on a play for them, while I had no one there with me. I dreaded that day with all my guts. Part of me, growing up, felt that I deserved to feel alone.

I met my father when I was 21.

In 2012, a year after finishing university, I was living with my girlfriend, who would later become my wife. It was in April that we found out my mom had cancer and by August she was gone.

I quit my job to care for her, giving her shots of morphine and antipsychotics, bathing her-  everything that palliative care entails, including putting her in the coffin after she passed.

With her passing, my most present feeling was that I had lost my “cable to earth” – that she was the only person who could unconditionally love me. It took me many years to heal that wound. My grieving process included therapy, traveling around the world, adopting spiritual practices – you name it.

Her death caused a significant disconnection between me and my family. I tried to connect with them through family dinners, encouraging open conversations about death, life, how we feel, and who we are, though it never worked.

Years later I moved to the UK with my wife and newborn daughter to start my MBA.

It was great to start fresh in a new place and take some space from my family.

Once I finished my degree, we moved back to Chile, my family welcomed us back with open arms, and my son was born. However, we kept falling into the same old dynamics and patterns.

I ultimately still felt unseen and disconnected from them.

All in all, the decision to migrate to Canada was a pretty easy one to make.

Only later did I understand that what I was running from was myself.

Once we arrived here, my aunt reached out to me almost daily, asking about the kids and expressing how much she missed them.

It is funny how patterns and dynamics work.

Months went by and my family continued living their lives, while here I was just another immigrant.

New life.

Different culture.

No connections at all.

Just making life work for all of us here.

A few months after our arrival my wife left me. At that time I didn’t know anyone besides a neighbour and a couple of my ex’s friends.

I lived and processed most of the separation process on my own.

Just before our separation, I had what I can only describe as a life crisis or “dark night (or year) of the soul”.

I had reached the point where I didn’t like anything about myself: how I dressed, how I talked, what I was doing, and even how I thought. And just after feeling that, my marriage was over.

Boom! 💥

But once I felt at the bottom, I had to find my way back up, not only for me but for my kids.

I hid the separation from my family for an entire year, telling them when we spoke that everything was ok and passing the phone to my kids as I didn’t want to engage with them and have the same redundant conversation about the weather and their neighbors.

Finally, a year after our separation, I decided to tell them everything.

All of this inspired my journey of self-discovery, psychedelics, therapy, journaling, and, above all, making significant changes in my life. Clearing long-standing (and ancestral) wounds, making peace with my past, and healing old relationships – especially the one with my relatives and my absent father.

I realized that I had been expecting my family to change and take a different approach. Now I realize that the person who needed to change was me. ✨

Finally, I had candid conversations with them about my journey and they were received with love and understanding. We talked about our feelings, my dad, how I was caring for my kids after the move and how present I was co-parenting; the friends I made, becoming more involved with the local community, and, above all, how happy I am in this new city. I also spoke to my dad and got the closure I needed.

I realized I processed most of my mom’s passing, my father's leaving, and my separation process on my own. Whereas I used to feel proud and strong for doing so, I now know that it was more about fear of showing myself and a false belief of what strength was, rather than completely owning my own story.

I never really liked myself before all of this and now I can honestly say that I do.

The true change in this story is not necessarily about them but about me. How I shifted and changed from the stories I told myself about myself, the world, and others, and how I have the power to create new stories that serve me more to the life that I want while nurturing my relationship with my family, as well as with the people I love in this wonderful city.

This has been such a beautiful journey of expansion, growing my evolving community, having the honor and privilege to live in such a beautiful place, and finding “out there” what was once missing “within”.

I believe that many people have felt similarly growing up. Sharing this story serves as a reminder that we can have our own backs, validate ourselves, and create our own story in a way that gives meaning to the direction we feel called to take.

I want you to know that you don’t need to hold yourself back from stepping into who you think and feel that you truly are and, above everything, you don’t need to feel stuck in your journey of attaining what you know you deserve.

What you run from, pursues you. What you face, transforms you. You cannot heal what you don’t feel.

Realize that all you’ve been searching for is yourself.

Don’t settle for less.

I send you a ton of love 🙏